\u201cWhat is the best way to kill a mole?\u201d\u00a0 Not exactly the words you expect to inspire the creation of another stupid blog that no one, with the exception of maybe my wife, will ever read. But, here we are.<\/p>\n
Google only took a fraction of a second to return the 16.8 million sites it believed would help rid my yard of this evil creature.\u00a0 While I did not have time to read all of the search results, the first 25 or 30 were exactly what I had come to expect from similar how-to searches in the past.<\/p>\n
Taking the top slot was \u201cThe Giant Destroyer\u201d.\u00a0 This sounded promising.\u00a0 Before even clicking the link I started to picture the warning label that would be required on such a dangerous product; harmful to every living creature, do not re-enter the contaminated area for at least 72 hours, federal law prohibits detonation within 100 feet of any fresh water supply, seek immediate medical attention should you start to experience partial blindness, unexpected hair loss, or inability to urinate<\/i>.\u00a0 So you can imagine my disappointment when I found out it is simply a sulfurous smoke bomb that is supposed to gas the rodent out of his lair.\u00a0 But with approximately 34 klicks of NVA tunnels crisscrossing my yard I doubted its ability to do anything more than slightly increase his chances of getting lung cancer from second hand smoke exposure.<\/p>\n
So my search continued. I found sites that suggested poisonous worms, explosives, ultrasonic devices, tunnel flooding, Juicy Fruit gum, crushed glass, flammable liquids and attack ferrets.\u00a0 The thought of training an attack ferret did sound pretty bad ass but the unintended consequences of releasing such an animal into my backyard did worry me.\u00a0 I decided to give up my dream of owning such a majestic creature after I imagined myself sitting at the computer three months from now asking Google\u2019s advice on the \u201cbest way to kill an attack ferret\u201d.<\/p>\n
Perhaps the most dangerous method I found (for me, not the mole) was electrocution.\u00a0 This particular instrument of death consists of a cutting off the end of an extension cord and delicately suspending the exposed copper wires inside of a mole run.\u00a0 All you have to do next is plug it in and wait, and hope that you remember not to come anywhere close to your trap if it has rained in the last 24 hours.<\/p>\n
So what does this have to do with creating another useless blog that nobody will read?\u00a0 Nothing yet.<\/p>\n
My next stop was Amazon.\u00a0 Surely capitalism, by its very definition, would have already figured out the most efficient way of dispatching my fury arch nemesis.\u00a0 That is when I found the Victor Out-of-Sight Mole Trap and the customer video review of Joseph L. Hurtsellers.\u00a0 Joe is a legend in residential mole extermination with 35 (unconfirmed) kills to his name.\u00a0 With that said, if I plan to heed the unsolicited advice of a complete stranger on the internet, it might as well be Joe.<\/p>\n
His 5 minute long video was very informative and covered all the important topics such as how to find active mole tunnels, the steps for properly setting these dangerous traps, and his patented technique for optimal placement.\u00a0 Then, towards the end of the video, Joe said something that exposed a deep dark secret that I have been desperately trying to hide for almost two decades.\u00a0 In the closing comments he says \u201cthe Internet has done an awful lot for me, so I thought I\u2019d share this with anyone having the same problem\u201d.<\/p>\n
Like a sightless subterranean mammal caught in the steely clutches of the Victor Out-of-Sight Mole Trap, there was no escape.\u00a0 My only hope is to plead my case and hope my captor will show some mercy and release me back into the wild.\u00a0 The time has finally come for me to admit, to the world and myself, that I am a virtual free loader, an eMooch.<\/p>\n
In the 20 years that I have been on the internet I have never once created an instructional video, uploaded a bootleg copy of a DVD, contributed to a wiki-article, or posted a customer review.\u00a0 In fact, if you exclude a few family photos on Facebook, I have contributed absolutely nothing of value to the online community.\u00a0 Joe was right.\u00a0 The Internet has done an awful lot for me and I have given her nothing in return.<\/p>\n
That is why I decided to create this blog.\u00a0 Consider it a ceremonial sacrifice to appease the Goddess of the Internets.\u00a0 I have sought her counsel on almost every important decision I have made in the past decade, and she has never let me down.\u00a0 This blog is my way of thanking her for being my doctor, travel agent, lawyer, jester, sous chef, accountant, marriage counselor, food critic, teacher, exterminator and trusted friend.<\/p>\n
In the end, it doesn\u2019t really matter if a single person reads this.\u00a0 That is not the point.\u00a0 What matters is that I tried, in my own small way, to finally give something back.<\/p>\n
[Queue the Doogie Howser music]<\/p>\n